So, in August, when I was trying to determine the voice with which I would write about the NFL, I wanted to be entertaining without being disrespectful to the sport. I have an enormous amount of respect for anyone who can make a career out of playing professional football, as it is a brutal, intense, high-pressure game that requires intelligence and physical conditioning that I am incapable of on either side. But to put it simply, the 2009 NFL has shown itself to be full of turds. Tampa Bay, Washington, Kansas City, Cleveland, Tennessee, Buffalo, St. Louis, Oakland, Carolina, and even Dallas have been not worth watching, let alone worth following and trying to dig up relevant stats for prediction purposes. I know there will always be bottom-feeders, but it seems like every week is full of either total mismatches or complete duds of matchups, with a couple-three good games on the slate if we’re lucky. Week 5 is no exception:
MISMATCHES/DUDS
MINNESOTA at ST. LOUIS: As much as I want this to be a trap game for the Vikings, it won’t be. The 2009 St. Louis Rams may be one of the worst teams to ever participate in an NFL season, and I think the players know it. There’s absolutely no hope for this team. And even though I do believe that the Rams will win at least one game this year as it is too improbable for two teams to go winless in consecutive seasons, it isn’t going to be this one. Vikings, 31-13.
I don’t even know who this is, and I don’t care.
DALLAS at KANSAS CITY: Both these teams need a win to stave off firings of coaches and GMs. This game will be far more competitive than any Cowboys fan wants to believe, and if I was really ballsy I’d pick K.C. to win. I do think that Tony Romo is headed for a meltdown of epic proportions, but the Cowboys likely have enough talent elsewhere to win this game. Dallas still brings two very good tailbacks and a defense with a chip on its shoulder. If Romo doesn’t defecate himself, the Cowboys win; 24-20.
WEEK 5 TOILET BOWL: CLEVELAND at BUFFALO: So the Browns hung around like a stray dog last week in a forgettable OT game vs. Cincy, and the Bills were run into the ground by the Dolphins. I don’t know what to think of this game, and honestly, I don’t care. I’ll take the Browns in an upset because Bills coach Dick Jauron is a man I’ve lost all respect for. He’s chosen to excuse away bad losses because of injuries and when the coach takes that approach, so does the rest of the team. The Browns really, really want a W anyway, so they travel to Buffalo and get one. Cleveland 20, Buffalo 14.
WEEK 5 TOILET BOWL (II): WASHINGTON at CAROLINA: The single-most interesting aspect of this matchup is that the R*dsk*ns brought in a gentleman named Sherman Lewis as an “offensive consultant”. According to this Chicago Tribune article, Lewis was preparing to act as a Bingo-barker when Washington called on his obviously overlooked offensive prowess. How can this not work? D.C. Football Franchise in an upset, with Sherman Lewis earning a Gatorade bath: ‘Sk*ns 23, Panthers 17.
TAMPA BAY at PHILADELPHIA: The Bucs travel to Philly at the wrong time. While Kevin Kolb has filled in for Donovan McNabb admirably, Don takes his seat back ahead of schedule and RB Brian Westbrook follows suit. Look for rookie RB LeSean McCoy to still carry most of the load this week, but Westbrook will see spot action and be effective against a Tampa defense who has only proven one thing: it can not tackle. At all. Easy, laid-back win for Philly, 27-9.
Keep praying, dude. You’re gonna need it.
CINCINNATI at BALTIMORE: Some may dispute the categorization of this game, as the Bengals have been a surprise this season thus far. But the Ravens are furious and frenzied after the razor-thin loss in Foxboro last week. Tom Brady’s womanly actions alone will drive this Baltimore team to pummel Cincinnati. Ray Lewis may injure someone. Joe Flacco and the Ravens RB’s will destroy a bad Cleveland defense. Ravens 34, Bengals 17.
OAKLAND at NY GIANTS: Come on. Don’t expect me to waste time on this game. Giants 34, Raiders 10.
HOUSTON at ARIZONA: Here’s what I know about these two teams: Houston has WR Andre Johnson, who has the capability of dominating a game by himself, and the Cardinals are statistically terrible against the pass (30th overall). That being said, AZ is coming off a bye week and are 0-2 at home this season and must win in Pink Taco Stadium or whatever its called at some point. I still just don’t buy Houston as being able to win a game when it really needs to. Cardinals 32, Texans 23.
PITTSBURGH at DETROIT: This is not the easy game for Pittsburgh that people are myopically assuming that it is. The Lions will show high-wire offense against the Steelers, who are still missing Troy Polamalu (he hopes to play next week). Although Pittsburgh will not allow WR Calvin Johnson to pop off quite the way he did against Chicago last week (133 yds, 123 in the 1st half), he will still have to be accounted for. Of course, this whole theory goes down the crapper if Matt Stafford is replaced by Daunte Culpepper at QB. To Culpepper’s credit, he no longer is having to pour himself into a Honolulu-Blue circus tent in order to don a Lions uniform. Steelers 25, Lions 18.
GAMES RANGING FROM MILDLY INTERESTING TO MARQUEE
JACKSONVILLE at SEATTLE: This is a sneaky-good game disguised as a Toilet Bowl. Seattle, although injury-depleted, is still tough at home, and Jacksonville may be hitting their stride and playing with a bit of a swagger. The Jags put up 442 yards of total offense last week against another injury-depleted team in Tennessee. Seneca Wallace is a better QB for Seattle than Matt Hasselbeck is with LT Walter Jones out again. Wallace can neutralize a pass rush to some extent with his mobility and is more accurate than he is given credit for. This is a toss-up, but I’ll give it to Seattle: Seahawks 24, Jaguars 21.
INDIANAPOLIS at TENNESSEE: Most observers at this point would dismiss this game as an easy win for the Colts, but I tend to think otherwise. Acknowledged is the fact that the Titans are winless, but I refuse to think that this team plays without self-respect. For Jeff Fisher’s Titans, this is a divisional home-game, and Indianapolis, despite the high level of astuteness and IQ, are capable of overlooking a team that is starving for a win. I can’t believe I’m about to do this, but I’m picking the Titans in an upset: Tennessee 24, Indy 21.
NEW ENGLAND at DENVER: Well, for those Broncos doubters that say they still haven’t faced a team of relevance yet in 2009, Week 5 provides concrete proof of exactly where Denver stands on the NFL ladder. If this game were being played in New England, I wouldn’t really give Denver any chance at all. But Tom Brady and the Patriots will face a very hostile Denver home crowd and a Broncos team wanting to truly show it’s worth to the rest of the NFL. Denver and former Pats coordinator Josh McDaniels will be full of piss and vinegar, and even Tom Terrific has to be ashamed of his actions versus Baltimore last week. If I was writing the line, this game would be a push. But because I’m not, I’ll take the Pats in a road squeaker – N.E. 26, Denver 24. And it will most likely be because of some BS penalty, and my boy Kyle Orton will outplay Brady.
ATLANTA at SAN FRANCISCO: Best game of the week, hands down. Atlanta is fresh off a bye week, and the 49ers are pretty much fresh off a bye week after whipping the hapless Rams. These teams are tied for 2nd in points allowed – edge to San Fran, who did an outstanding job against the Purple Jebus two weeks ago. A look at the truest tests these teams have faced thus far both reveal losses – SF at Minnesota (in a game they should have won) and Atlanta at New England (a game they got legitimately beat in). Plus, Atlanta’s defensive stats are skewed because of the early Bye Week. I like the 49ers at home, but in a well-played game. Frisco 24, Atlanta 20.
NY JETS at MIAMI: Look for the Jets to overload against the run and force the Michigan darling Chad Henne to beat them with his arm, which he won’t be able to do. In Henne’s pro career, he has attempted 41 passes. What you need to know is that he has been sacked 7 times already. Not too mobile, this one. The Jets defense will be itching for some sacks – their last two games versus New England and New Orleans yielded none – and Miami will oblige after giving up six of them to Buffalo last week despite winning by four TD’s (and four extra points). Jets put on a show on defense: Jets 22. Dolphins 12.
contact email: nick.thomas@flyingpigskin.com
