Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the final week of the regular season. Only 12 teams will continue playing after Sunday. The discarded 20 teams will sulk home with the stink of shame spewing from every pore of their wrecked, broken bodies. Here, in this world of cyber-judgment, the overpaid hired goons of the NFL will be scoffed at by beer and coffee-fueled geeks like myself. I’ve never once played, coached, scouted or refereed a single down of organized football. The decisions of professional coaching staffs and management teams will be picked clean in online newspapers, talk radio, and internet messageboards by people whose own personal perceptiveness lies somewhere between laughable and reprehensible.
Guidelines such as “judge not lest ye be judged” have no meaning or place here. The blogosphere will pelt you with stones of sarcasm and indignation. Young adulthoods comprised of unseen effort will be boiled down to a few snarky, clunky sentences. See “CHICAGO at DETROIT” below for an example of this type of frivolously disdainful expression. Then, after the playoffs are a memory and a champ has been determined, those same bloggers suddenly realize they are willing to sever multiple digits from hands or feet just to watch a single serving of meaningful American Rules Football.
Me and the all other guys who read this
While you’re reading our last picks of the 2009 regular season, please keep in mind that I, like everyone in the blogosphere, have no f*cking clue what I’m talking about. And also that all the good angles and have already been bought and sold.
MARQUEE
NEW ORLEANS at CAROLINA: Finding a clairvoyant soul who placed money on the Buccaneers to beat the Saints last week would be harder than finding a Yeti in the French Quarter, but we all know that someone out there did, and congrats to you if you’re reading. You’re a degenerate gambler.
Another Saints loss will have a ripple effect on the rest of the NFC playoff picture that is probably too much for my swiss-cheese brain to calculate, but I do know that it will be dizzying if New Orleans can’t handle their division rivals. If they win, they keep home field, and that’s the only truth I know. New Orleans gets their act together and goes into the postseason with a statement game over the recent upstarts from Charlotte. Saints 29, Panthers 20.
PHILADELPHIA at DALLAS: It’s rare anymore to see the battle for a division title go down to the final week of the season, but if it was going to happen this year, it had to be in the NFC East. 3 of the 4 teams residing there have each looked capable of taking the crown at various points of the season with the Eagles looking the hottest at the right time. This is a mammoth game, with division supremacy and first-round byes on the line.
I’m taking Philly because this game is in Dallas. If it were in Philly, I swear to you that I would be picking Dallas. The problem is the magnified glare of the Texas-Football atmosphere is too much for Tony Romo’s fragile tummy. There’s no way that Romo is able to escape the pressure from his teammates, owner, fans, his whoever girlfriend, or the Eagles defense. Scorn will be heaped upon the baby-faced Dallas QB before the final gun sounds, and the Cowboys will back into a Wildcard spot – only to back right out of the playoffs in the first round. Eagles 26, Dallas 11.
CINCINNATI at NY JETS: This game could very well be a fat turd, with Cincy having little reason to give their starters any meaningful gametime. But a win for the Bengals could prove critical if positioning circumstances arise, and the Jets can clinch a Wildcard spot with a victory. I’ll take the Jets, who could finish the season with two fraudulent victories against far better opponents. NYJ 23, Cincinnati 21.
GREEN BAY at ARIZONA: While both teams are locked into playoff slots, and the Packers are ready to take their show on the road for the rest of the year, this will be a hard-fought game for two reasons – 1) the Packers want momentum for the postseason, and 2) Arizona can ensure a 1st-round bye if they win and get help from around the NFC. Look for all starters to stay in unless this game gets injury-plagued or is a blowout in either direction. It should make for a very entertaining contest, and I’ll take the Packers to keep their momentum churning forward. Cheese 42, Redbirds 30.
NY GIANTS at MINNESOTA: Both of these squads are at this moment a testament to inconsistency. New York has been that way for a while, and Minnesota is in the midst of it’s traditional late-season collapse. But both squads still boast an enormous amount of talent, and if properly harnessed, can beat down any other squad in the NFL.
I have two reasons for taking the Giants, and they are that Brad Childress is a moron; and the recent performances on both sides of the Vikings’ line.
“Christ, I’m Brett Favre! Look at all these idiots ever-where!”
Two nights ago in Chicago, Minnesota’s offensive and defensive trenches were handled easily by a humble interim cobblestone of Chicago linemen. Although the Metrodome – what with its frenzied, bandwagon fanbase and obnoxious torture/music/noise – is a very difficult place to travel to, the Giants will prove to be too much for the tattered Purple, and emerge from the poisonous and moldy facility as victors. Giants 28, Vikings 26.
PITTSBURGH at MIAMI: Amazingly, both of these teams possess playoff pulses. Miami looks better overall when you glance at these teams’ respective schedules – Pittsburgh owned a 5-game losing streak during which they fell to Kansas City, Oakland, and Cleveland. Miami has lost to a myriad of quality clubs, with the only real stinker being a loss in Buffalo, which is almost excusable for a team from Florida. The ‘Fins have battled it out under injuries to key players, and throughout, they’ve remained disciplined and focused. They’re still breathing as a result.
For that reason, and because they’re at home, I’m picking the Dolphins to win. But they won’t get the algebraic help they need to reach the postseason. Miami 22, Pittsburgh 19.
DON’T BOTHER
These games will feature teams either resting starters or teams already eliminated or both. Maybe one or two turns out to be worth your bemused interest, but don’t bet on it. So I’m lazily just giving you guys the scores and maybe a touch of commentary, if I happen to feel the need to keep up appearances:
INDY at BUFFALO: Coach Jim Caldwell of the Colts, I’m sorry, but you really blew it. Tanking against the Jets last week after besting your first 14 opponents cheated your players, fans, and those of us who phucking hate the ‘73 Dolphins, out of an opportunity that you and your team worked intensely and admirably to create.
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Caldy: “Sorry about that. It seems my testicles ascended back into my body about halfway through the Jets game.”
Peyton Manning wasn’t going to get hurt, and even if there was a chance that he was, I’m pretty sure that he and the rest of the team were willing to take that chance in order to keep the streak going. In short, that was bullshit, and you’re an asshole for doing what you did. It came off as a cheap power trip, and for that reason I am rooting against you for the rest of the year. Not because I don’t like the players on this Colts team, but because I hope you get blamed for any and all failure from here on out. Bills 25, Colts 10.
JACKSONVILLE at CLEVELAND: Jags 27, Browns 17.
CHICAGO at DETROIT: If any single Bears’ victory has been dissected to exhaustion this season, it was the OT thriller on Monday night vs. Minnesota. Lucky for me, it was my second trip to Chicago to see a game this year. It would be pointless for me to try to bring anything original to the table to discuss, so I’ll give you a tired and decomposing cliche instead: TOO LITTLE, TOO LATE. As much fun as I had in Soldier Field two nights ago, and as memorable as the experience was for me and the rest of the fans at the game, it should in no way alter anyone’s perception of management, coaching, execution, or decision-making regarding the ‘09 Chicago F*cking Bears. Bears fans should all be asking why it took four months for this team to play one game as well as advertised.
Why was Devin Aromashodu inactive until about 3 weeks ago? Wasn’t Cutler begging for his services all season long? Why did Ron Turner predictably wait until playoff elimination to take some chances with playcalling? Any Bears fan will agree that if Chicago were still alive for the playoffs, the final TD bomb would never have made it out of Turner. In fact it’s up for debate if Ron Turner even called the play at all, or if Cutler said screw it, and called it himself.
Good speed, good hands, polished routes, runs hard after the catch. Why was Devin Aromashodu on the bench ALL #@&%ING SEASON??
Meaningless late-season success in poised, gutsy efforts such as Monday Night’s win are great fun to watch, but they are an indictment of the team’s incompetent performance during the sad little slice of the season that was still relevant. Bears 24, Lions 7.
SAN FRAN at ST. LOUIS: 49ers 19, Rams 2.
TENNESSEE at SEATTLE: Titans 30, Seahawks 10.
ATLANTA at TAMPA BAY: Coulda been a good one. Falcons 31, Bucs 14.
NEW ENGLAND at HOUSTON: The Texans could still sneak into the playoffs with a win and a sh*tload of help, and while I’ll take them to get the win, they won’t get the assistance: Texans 26, Pats 19.
D.C. FRANCHISE at SAN DIEGO: Chargers 24, ‘Sk*ns 18.
BALTIMORE at OAKLAND: Ravens clinch a berth with a win over the snippy, scrappy Raiders, who will play a solid game but not have the cojones to face down Baltimore. Ravens 28, Raiders 23.
KANSAS CITY at DENVER: The Broncos have a total of ten scenarios in which they make the playoffs, but they have to win first. They’ll do that and cross their fingers. Broncos 24, Chefs 16.
That wraps it up, kids. If your team is finished come Sunday, and you’re doing other activities besides surfing obscure football blogs for alternative content related to your team, I bid you adieu. Know you are always welcome, thanks for reading. To the rest of you lucky f*ckers still wearing that unwashed jersey you’ve had since 9th grade that’s all faded and worn, best of luck to you in the postseason.
We’re not finished here at FlyingPigskin.com, not by a longshot. See you soon, and have a wonderful and safe New Year.
contact email: nick.thomas@flyingpigskin.com
