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Packers-Cardinals Ups the Ante

Jan 10

Posted by Nick Thomas, NFC North resident in Armchair QB | Comments off

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Packers-Cards featured a combined 13 TD’s, over 1,000 yards of offensive production, 62 first downs, 17 penalty flags, 4 turnovers, and absolutely no defense. The Packers deserve credit for scoring 5 TD’s in the last 23 minutes of the game, but the Arizona offense deserves more credit for withstanding the onslaught and never giving away momentum. Both QBs scored 5 TDs each.

 

As good as this game was, the Packers’ loss deprives NFL fans of the ultimate NFC Championship dream scenario, which would have been Green Bay vs. Minnesota for the 3rd time this year. Both the Cardinals and Packers played well enough to win and bad enough to lose, so it was fitting that the barn-burner went into overtime after AZ kicker Neil Rackers’ choke job with less than 14 seconds to play. He booted a 32-yard attempt wide left to give the Packers the ball back with 9 seconds to play.

 

neil rackers. online photo, no source available
Mr. Rackers, your wife called. She said you left your testicles in the bathroom this morning.

 

Pro kickers are supposed to live for that moment, be ready for it, and eat it alive when given the chance to win the game in the playoffs. But I think there is only a handful of those brass-balled PK’s out there, and Neil Rackers apparently isn’t one of them. That was the kind of shanking that usually only goes on in a county holding cell, right next to the payphone.

 

NEW: JETS HOMER SECTION

 

I went from merely being on the Jets’ bandwagon to all-out in love with the scrappy, overshadowed whippersnappers from New York. There’s some deep connections between this team and Chicago, so I doubt I’m the only Bears fan out there that has found himself pulling for the Jets. Thomas Jones, Doug Plank, and Rex Ryan all have some Chicago blood in their veins, and RB Shonn Greene hails from the University of Iowa, my Orange-Bowl winning alma mater.

 

It’s real easy to like Mark Sanchez, who took full advantage of the spotlight to take a shot at Pete Carroll, who is jumping the USC ship ahead of the media torpedoes about to be launched at the entire program, for not “being ready” to coach the Seahawks. Sanchez plays with refreshing enthusiasm, just like the Jets’ defense, which has to feature one of the best defensive secondaries I can remember. Lito Sheppard, Darelle Revis, and Kerry Rhoades are all some of the best in the league at their positions. They allow the defense to play recklessly, which they should be able to do against San Diego next week as well. The Chargers finished the season 20th in rushing defense, as opposed to Cincinnati, who placed 7th.

 

mark sanchez. online photo, no source available

 

The Jets should be disappointed that they gave up 171 yards on the ground, but at least they matched that total on offense, and their ability to control the ball could lead them to a huge upset of San Diego next weekend.

 

COWBOYS/VIKINGS HATER SECTION

 

You’ll notice that I put the Cowboys first in the above section title, because apparently, my hate for Dallas trumps all other biases that I must cling to for the remainder of this season. I was already rooting for Minnesota next week against my will in the hopes of seeing the Packers beat the Vikings at home in the NFC Championship, but even now with the Packers out, I still can’t bring myself to root for Dallas. There’s no way. Go Vikings. Just puked a little.

 

A buddy asked me this weekend if I would root for the Packers over the Vikings in that scenario, and I said yes. No question. I am a Vikings hater, and I will finish the year as a Vikings hater. And I am not rooting for them to win the Super Bowl, but I am wanting them to beat the Cowboys. I’d rather see the Favre story get played out to it’s full potential anyway, why not? I’ve put up with it this far, might as well let him actually go to Miami just to incite the media into hyperventilation over all that is SilverFox-Gunslinger-Wrangler Jeans-Jesus.

 

brett favre. online photo, no source available

 

My guy who asked the question of me is a Vikings fan, and if they do win, knowing he got rewarded with a championship will make the pill slightly less bitter to swallow, but I have to go down with this Purple Haterade Ship.

 

RAVENS BANDWAGON-JUMPER SECTION

 

I think the Ravens can win in Indy next week, and I don’t know if it will even be too difficult. The Ravens can not be reasoned with. Baltimore’s running game can steamroll worthy opponents. The chip on the shoulder of the Ravens will grow with each road game they play. Peyton Manning, while he is certainly capable of winning, better eat his Wheaties this week.

 

contact email: nick.thomas@flyingpigskin.com

 

 

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NFL WEEK 4: A LESSON IN CRAPTASTIC-NESS

Oct 4

Posted by Nick Thomas, NFC North resident in Armchair QB | Comments off

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I sat and watched most of the 14 minute-plus overtime period between the Bengals and the Browns.  I don’t know why.  I guess I was looking for one of the two teams to show that they were interested in winning the game.  It was one of those stretches when the field looked enormous and it simply seemed impossible that either team could score.  I was almost right, if it wasn’t for Cleveland finally deciding to be crappy enough to go ahead and lose.  One thing I will say though, is that Josh Cribbs is a flat-out monster.  He’s gotten a lot bigger since his rookie season, and plain looks mean when he has the ball.  He’s at least worth watching the highlights every week.

 

Speaking of crappy teams, the R*dsk*ns and the Bucs battled it out to see who could claim to be the crappiest team on the East Coast.  Turns out it’s the Bucs.  Though not for a lack of effort by Washington, who committed four turnovers and still won the game.  ‘Sk*ns QB Jason Campbell was astoundingly bad, throwing 3 picks and losing a fumble, but still knifed through the (now officially garbage) defense of Tampa Bay to throw the winning TD pass.  The two teams combined for a combined 6 of 27 on 3rd down, and a whopping 252 passing yards.  Blecch.

 

Amazingly, neither of these teams are the worst in the league. That distinction belongs solely to the St. Louis Rams, who have lost 14 straight, and have been shutout twice in this young season, both times by teams in their own division.  I need not say more of the St. Louis club, nor much of the teams that destroy them each week – although I must call attention to the disciplinary prowess of Mike Singletary’s 49ers, who only drew 3 flags all game and committed no turnovers while gut-stomping the Rams 35-0.

 

Dallas and Denver both looked inept, combining for 6 of 26 on 3rd down, as well as a combined 17 penalties for over 150 yards.  Lucky for Denver, Tony Romo looked worse than anyone on the field. While his stats aren’t outrageously bad, his performance was unwatchable – unless you hate the Cowboys, which I do.  Before WR Sam Hurd damn near bailed him out in the 4th quarter on a sissy little 7-yard outlet pass that Hurd took 53 yards inside the Denver 15, Romo had made every mistake possible:  botched snaps, lost fumbles, his 8th-career pick in the red zone, leading his receivers into getting drilled by safeties (Roy Williams may be urinating blood after chasing a Romo misfire in the 4th quarter), and all-around poor decision making.  Up until Hurd’s late catch-and-run, Romo had 36 yards passing in the 2nd half, and had been throwing terrible balls for several series in a row.

 

tony romo gets sacked. online photo, no source available

 

I thought that Dallas would expose Denver’s defense as a hoax, but it was Denver who exposed Romo’s Cowboys as garbage.  Wait, hasn’t that happened already?  On several occasions?  Oh, I forgot – they’re the Cowboys.  That means they’re still considered good until Bill Parcells says that they in fact suck.

 

 

OTHER CALLS I GOT WRONG:

Ravens at Patriots: A very well-played, hard-fought game until the last drive, when Baltimore WR Mark Clayton dropped two passes, one for a TD and one for a first down on 4th and 6, which ended the game.  The latter was in his chest, but he couldn’t haul it in.  Disappointing for a Ravens team who played well enough to beat the Patriots.

 

Jets at Saints: Okay, now I really mean it:  I won’t be picking against the Saints again.  Before you dismiss the Jets though, note that the NY defense did it’s part, holding New Orleans to less than 350 total yards and only 10 points.  The Saint’s D made up for it, scoring two TD’s.  Tough game for the adorable and charming Mark Sanchez (if you say his name out loud with emphasis on the ‘chez’, he sounds even more charming).

 

Bills at Dolphins: Backup Miami QB Chad Henne wasn’t required to do much, as the Dolphin twin RB’s Ronnie and Ricky piled up 200 yards and 3 TD’s.  Buffalo QB Trent Edwards did his part too, throwing 3 picks.  Dick Jauron’s clock is ticking in upstate New York.

 

Tennessee at Jacksonville: Wow, the Titans are about finished already, and it’s not even week 5.  This slump is a mystery to me, and I can’t imagine how Titans coach Jeff Fisher feels.  He has consistently fielded a tough, balanced, competitive team since he became head coach, and this thing has now spun out of control.  The playoffs are out of the question, the Titans are now relegated to just trying to win a game.

 

 

BEARS HOMER SECTION

Another win, another grumpy homer.  The Bears let Detroit rack up 21 points in the first half, and 3rd-and-long is again looking like a gimme against the Chicago defense.  They give up two 3rd-and-5’s, two 3rd-and-6’s, as well as 3rd downs of 7, 9, and 10 yards, the last of which yielded a touchdown.

 

Yes, the Bears came on strong in the 2nd half, but how does Lovie Smith leave Zackary Bowman, a 2nd-year corner with about 5 games under his belt, one-on-one with Calvin Johnson for the entire first half?  On the first play from scrimmage, Lovie brought the house and watched as rookie QB Matt Stafford calmly faced down the blitz and dropped the ball perfectly into Johnson’s basket for 45 yards.  As if that wasn’t enough, Lovie then let Johnson continue to roam unchallenged for 123 first-half yards.  Hey Mr. Smith – the Lions have one good receiver, how about you pay him the respect of a double team before he lights you up single-handedly?

 

On top of that, the Bears left the stadium limping.  Devin Hester, Johnny Knox, and special-teams ace Adrian Peterson all were knocked to the sideline.  Knox was dinged after he had an impressive 102-yard kickoff return for a score to open the 2nd half. Thank the Lord for the coming Bye Week, the Bears need it.

 

Jay Cutler. online photo, no source available.

 

Some positives were there, like Adewale Ogunleye’s dominating performance, Matt Forte’s big day (although it was almost all on two runs), and a big-time turnaround in the 2nd half in all three phases of the game. Looking better, but I still think they’d get beat down by an elite team, one of which likely resides in the division. We’ll certainly know more about that after a highly-anticipated matchup tomorrow night.

 

contact email: nick.thomas@flyingpigskin.com

 

 

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NFL WEEK 3: DRAMA, DOMINANCE, and IMPOTENCE

Sep 28

Posted by Nick Thomas, NFC North resident in Armchair QB | Comments off

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After a dramatic Sunday afternoon, things are starting to become a little clearer around the NFL, aren’t they?  There will be fallacies and misconceptions all year, but the truths are starting to become apparent.  But like many NFL players, some truths come with baggage.

For instance, Cincinnati is proving that virtually everyone has slept on them thus far – but now that they have everyone’s attention, can they keep up these nail-biting victories?  No one’s going to be overlooking them anymore, and despite impressive wins the last two weeks in Green Bay and at home vs. the Steelers, losing to the Bengals doesn’t sit well with any contending team’s fanbase.  Look for their opponents to step it up much harder in the coming weeks, and it remains to be seen if Cincy can step it up along with them.

Mark Sanchez and Rex Ryan have the Jets playing passionate, confident football. It is plays like Sanchez’s shoulder-dropping, safety-drilling TD run versus Tennessee that makes your team want to pile-drive someone for you.  But perhaps overlooked was Sanchez’s play-action fake on the go-ahead TD pass in the 3rd quarter that shows why he’s packing solid brass.  He almost over-sold the fake handoff by crouching low with the ball in his gut and his back to the line of scrimmage.  It was a thing of beauty, and he showed his poise by not missing on the subsequent easy throw to his target, a mistake that could have been forgiven of a rookie QB in his third game of the year.  But will the Jets get too cocky?  And when Sanchez finally does have the inevitable rookie meltdown, how does he rebound?

DOMINATION vs. IMPOTENTCY: Both the Giants and Ravens were playing bottom-feeders in Tampa Bay and Cleveland, but it was no less remarkable just how badly they pounded these guys.

New York held the Bucs to 86 total yards and 5 first downs on their own field, and showed just how badly the Bucs have devolved on defense.  The Bucs tackled like they were accustomed to playing flag football, and the NY runningbacks left piles of bruised and broken bodies in their wake after racking up 256 yards on the ground in a 24-0 shutout.

The Ravens intercepted the Browns 4 times, and twice on the returns played schoolyard games with Cleveland, pitching the ball around with laterals.  You don’t see that very often anymore.  The 80’s Bears teams used to do it all the time – it’s been a while since a defense has been that confident and wants to enjoy itself while embarrassing an opponent.  I have to feel bad for Browns’ fans while watching that.  The Ravens are actually their team.  It has to really sting getting humped like that by your ex, especially when she was the one who broke up with you.

Dawan Landry. online photo, no source available

BEGRUDGING FAVRE RESPECT: Let me be the millionth person to state that “this is why the Vikings brought him here”.  Everything from Favre’s first INT of the season to the jaw-dropping last second TD was vintage Favre.

The pick came on a pass over the middle to a guy about 15 yards away who was draped in defenders.  Favre wound up and threw a high, whistling rocket that had no chance of being caught by any player until it bounced off someone’s now-shattered fingers and into the air.

The unbelievable final score came on an essentially improvised play that belonged in a Wrangler ad, with Favre deftly alluding a rush, stepping up, and launching a pass that traveled 50 yards through the back of the endzone and into the hands of some nobody the Vikings picked up a week before the season started.  It was on a rope, too.  No touch and all velocity, and it counted for what was maybe the most memorable TD of Favre’s career given the circumstances.  As you read this, please picture me typing these words while trying to quell the bile that is creeping into my esophagus.

Vikings fan. online photo, no source available

Vikings fan being his stereotypical obnoxious self as 49ers fans look on

PLAY OF THE WEEK: Apologies to Favre and his heroics, but your old teammate Donald Driver hauled in what could easily end up being the catch of the year against St. Louis (sorry if the link makes you sit through a commercial.  But hang in there – if you haven’t seen it, it’s worth the 15 second ad, trust me).  This was the kind of catch that make little kids want to play football.  With a corner drawing a flag for mugging him, Driver extends to full length and snatches the 52-yard bomb with his one free hand, pinning it against his helmet and bicep.  A thing of beauty in a weekend full of memorable plays.

BEARS HOMER SECTION: Chicago’s defense gave up seven 3rd-downs against Seattle, including distances of 8, 10, 11 and 19 yards, the longest resulting in Seattle’s first TD of the day on a screen pass.  Seneca Wallace did exactly what I thought he’d do, making the D chase him around all day and creating plays after buying time.  Lovie Smith apparently didn’t remember the lesson taught to him in week 1, when he continued to stack the box and bring heavy blitzes on Seattle’s final drive, which never should have gotten as far as it did, which was inside the Bears’ 30.

Chicago’s offensive line still gave Matt Forte nothing to work with, despite many Seahawks defensive starters sitting out due to injury.  Forte is talented and can do an awful lot if given space, but he’s not an outstanding tailback who can produce without any holes to run through.

Chicago again needed 2 missed field goals to win a game, and won’t keep getting that lucky.  Wow, did I like anything about this game?  Let’s see…Jay Cutler had a 126 qb rating (jerk)…Devin Hester scored the game-winning TD on a slant where the 3rd-string corner got tackled by his own teammate (lucky)…the Bears were in the middle of a conservative, play-for-the-field-goal drive when they scored (pansy)…the Bears are likely down to their 3rd MLB with starter Hunter Hillenmeyer falling victim to the NFL’s rib-injury bug (you gotta be kidding me)…they let former Viking WR Nate Burleson pop off for 9 catches for 109 yards (uggh)…and on 3rd and 1 in the 4th quarter, I saw perhaps the most poorly designed and called running play in football history, with Forte taking the handoff about 47 yards behind his line, and then had to wait for his fullback to come in front of him just to get in his way (it was rightly snuffed for a loss).  Plus those Seattle alternative jerseys may have burned out my retinas, and I know at the very least were visible from space.

Okay fine, one thing I liked was T.J. Houshmandzadeh backing up his tough trash-talk with 4 catches for 35 yards and a fumble that turned into my guy Johnny Knox’s 2nd TD catch of the year.  Man, T.J., maybe that was why the Bears “ain’t even holla at” you when you “was all trollin’ for dat insanely inflated free-agent deal.”  See ya next time, if you don’t get cut by then, Housh-bag.

TJ Housh. online photo, no source available

T.J. Houshmandzadeh: “Yo, maybe I ain’t shoulda talked all that sh*t this week…”

NOTES THAT SHOULD BE NOTED:

- Philly beat up on Kansas City with a very creative game plan, having virtually all 53 active players taking snaps at some point.  I’m sour on the Wildcat craze, but Philly used it effectively in the redzone, and didn’t miss their starting QB or starting RB one bit.

- Despite missing on the play, Tampa Bay head coach Raheem Morris showed big-time guts in attempting to score a TD on 4th and goal late in the game, instead of just kicking the gimme FG just to avoid a shutout.  There’s no way that even if the Bucs would have scored that they had any chance of winning, but he wanted a TD anyway.  Your team may suck, but that was a tiny slice of dignity.

- RB Fred Taylor had a nice game for New England, as did Randy Moss.  It’s kind of funny how the Patriots are what Oakland always tries to be, which is a cobblestone of aging castoffs and misfits from other teams who don’t want to bother with them anymore.

- The R*dsk*ns continued their slide into irrelevancy, falling to Detroit (as many predicted they would), and losing the $100,000,000.00 DT Albert Haynesworth along the way.  QB Jason Campbell actually had a pretty good game, but Clinton Portis is the gas in this vehicle, and his 60-some yards weren’t enough octane.  Too bad, so sad…

- I wonder, if just for a second, if Brett Favre’s last-minute, movie-worthy touchdown would somehow have an effect on Adrian Peterson’s ego.  The guy clearly doesn’t have much of one, really, but a guy who beats himself up as bad as he does after not finishing a run just perfect obviously wants the attention.  Don’t think he doesn’t realize the TV cameras are on him when he lays on the ground for a couple beats after getting tripped up just before breaking a long one.  Word of advice (as if Adrian bleeping Peterson reads my stuff) – just get up, man.  The disappointment in yourself may be genuine, but it’s getting annoying, and slowly chipping away from your good-guy image.  It comes off as selfish.  That being said, I do think that if Favre’s bright star somehow stands to diminish Peterson’s, AP’s got no problem taking out the frustration on his opponents.  Hmm.  Damn it, my team still has to play him twice.

Contact email: nick.thomas@flyingpigskin.com

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10 THINGS I KNOW ABOUT WEEK 1

Sep 14

Posted by Nick Thomas, NFC North resident in Armchair QB | 2 Comments

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1.  Adrian Peterson put on a show for the ages. This was one to show your kids someday if you’re a real Vikings fan.  The man’s purple and gold jersey disappears when he breaks loose, and you’ve got no choice, no matter what team you pledge allegiance to, but to marvel at the creativity, brilliance, and sheer anger that AP used to produce 180 yards and three TD’s.  Brett Favre’s debut in a Minnesota uniform was far overshadowed by what could be the best run in Peterson’s career to date.

2. The proprietor of this here football-themed website told me he thought my shutout prediction of the Bills by New England was a stretch, and I scoffed.  He was right.  Buffalo damn near pulled off a huge upset moments ago.  New England squeaked out a mouse-fart’s margin of a victory against Buffalo, driving anyone who bet that the Pats would cover the spread into an ulcer or a nuthouse or both.

3.  Even though the Houston Texans made it really easy on him, Mark Sanchez did some really impressive things in his rookie debut. At least six huge plays for him came on 3rd down, and one came on 4th, showing that ice water pulses in the veins of the kid from USC.  He showed a quick release, surprising mobility, and accuracy that several starting QB’s should envy.  Combined with (as we predicted) an aggressive, active defense, the Jets look to be a surprise in 2009.

Mark Sanchez. online photo, no source available

4.  New Kansas City head coach Todd Haley got his first full-time position job with the Chicago Bears in 2000, and although he lost his opener versus Baltimore, his team put on a performance worthy of those Bears’ teams of old.  Big plays and scores by the defense and special teams fueled a close loss to a far superior Ravens team.  Brodie Croyle even got in on the act, tossing big throws late in the game to keep it close.  Joe Flacco eventually daggered them, but the Chiefs may be better than anyone thinks this year (FS Mike Brown also had 12 tackles, but that’s not necessarily a good thing given his injury history).

5.  The New York Giants had some throw-back performances against the Washington, D.C. football franchise.  Mario Manningham looked like the Michigan star he was with a 31-yard TD catch-and-run, and the D-Line had a resurgence reminiscent of their 2007 Super Bowl win.  Justin Tuck and Osi Umenyiora will keep abusing offensive lines (and spell checks).

6.  As impressive as Drew Brees was in his record-setting opening-day game with 6 TD passes, RB Mike Bell ran for 143 yards. But perhaps this proves that the Detroit Lions’ defense is still really, really terrible.

7.  The San Francisco 49ers looked like a team led by Mike Singletary. The Hall-of-Fame MLB kept his squad fighting for every yard and never losing hope against the defending NFC Champs.  I feel proud and stupid, as I wanted to pick them to win but couldn’t commit.  I predicted a better-than-expected performance from San Fran, but not a win.  I will choose more wisely in the future, and the rest of the league is on notice.

Mike Singletary. online photo, no source available

8.  Clinton Portis continues to be the engine driving Washington. Or more accurately, if he stalls, so do the R*dsk*ns.  He rushed for 62 yards on 15 carries, and 34 yards came on his first run from scrimmage.  Without a run game, QB Jason Campbell is not capable of carrying his team to a win against a quality opponent.

9.  There were the usual opening-week key injuries around the league:

-Brian Urlacher, Bears

-Anthony Gonzalez, Colts

-Donovan McNabb, Eagles

-Troy Polamalu, Steelers

-Hakeem Nicks, Giants

-Reggie Hayward, Jaguars

Here’s to a speedy recovery to all of these quality players.

10.  Of all the mistakes Jay Cutler made last night, the most overlooked one was his blowing the Bears’ final timeout on 4th and inches towards the end of the 3rd quarter.  I pondered this, thinking what could he possibly have seen from the Green Bay defense that made him reconsider the play call?  Isn’t this a fairly black-and-white situation?  Isn’t this play merely a comparison of these linemens’ testicle circumference?

Then I thought well, perhaps Chicago had some too-cute gimmick play called for the situation and Cutler saw that the Pack was prepared for it.  But even if that was the case, shouldn’t he have been equipped with the proper audible into a traditional 4th-and-inches playcall?  Someone, either Cutler of offensive coordinator Ron Turner screwed that up.  There were multiple other mistakes, both player and coaching-related, but few have drawn attention to this one, which burned the last clock-stop for Chicago and made their final drive much more difficult.  Perhaps I’ll have the wherewithal to revisit this game, but most likely I’ll just pretend it didn’t happen and pray that everything works out next week.

Who are the Bears playing?  The World-Champion Pittsburgh Steelers?  $%#@&*!!!!!

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AFC EAST 2009 Projections

Sep 5

Posted by Nick Thomas, NFC North resident in Armchair QB | Comments off

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In 2008, the Miami Dolphins took the AFC East by storm with a 10-game turnaround from ‘07.  Led by a former rival QB who felt disrespected, a new coach in Tony Sporano and an easy schedule, the Dolphins were the comeback kids of the NFL.  But in 2009, the return of Tom Brady will keep them from consecutive division titles:

 

New England Patriots: 13-3

Miami Dolphins: 10-6

New York Jets: 7-9

Buffalo Bills: 3-13

 

THE NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS

There isn’t much to glean from the 2008 season that is statistically relevant to this year’s Pats.  We all know the ‘08 story – Brady went down in Week 1 with a very re-watchable knee injury, and FNG Matt Cassel took over, leading the squad to an 11-5 record.  The Patriots were the first team since the 1985 Broncos to miss the postseason with 11 wins, which puts another chip on the shoulder of Napoleonic coach Bill Belichick.  Cassel was then traded to Kansas City to become the new Scott Mitchell.

 

Tom Brady. online photo, no source available
 

 

If I can point to any negative for the Patriots, it’s that everyone has access to the tape of the 2007 Super Bowl and should know that to beat New England, you must pummel Tom Brady.  But to everyone’s dismay, the Golden-Gal will be back throwing 7-yard slants to Wes Welker all @&%#ing day until their opponents get so annoyed that they leave Randy Moss wide open – just so Brady throws it to someone else.

 

It should be noted that the Pats saw two really old centerpieces of their defense retire, LB Teddy Bruschi and safety Rodney Harrison.  I didn’t like either of them; Bruschi was too wholesome, Harrison was a cheap-shot, and both played too well for their age.  But FB Kevin Faulk will make up for them in the Pats’ Geriatric Ward: in his 14th NFL season he averaged 6.1 yards per carry and had 58 catches, and in his 15th he’ll have Brady back.  New England better make sure that Rogaine and Viagra aren’t on the Banned-Substance list.

 

Two people in bathtubs. online photo, no source available
Rodney Harrison and Teddy Bruschi celebrate their retirement together.

 

THE MIAMI DOLPHINS

As previously stated, fate loved the Dolphins in 2008, and although it will do them no favors this year (they won’t have the AFC and NFC Wests to pick on), the Dolphins have a solid, if not almost-elite team.  Chad Pennington will continue his underrated, un-flashy performance if his running backs can continue theirs.  Last year, counter-culture icon Ricky Williams even provided clean urine for the entire season. 

 

Pennington was his typical safe, even-distribution-self with only 7 INT’s, and he led 5 different receivers to finish with 400-plus yards.  After those guys, the first 3 tailbacks on the depth chart each had more than 200 yards receiving, and the balance proved valuable late, when Miami won 9 of their last 10 games.  Pennington compiled nearly 3700 yards and finished 2nd in the NFL with a 98 Passer Rating.

 

 Chad Pennington. online photo, no source available

But the biggest surprise was on defense: Miami went from 30th in points allowed in 2007 to 9th in 2008.  The 120-point improvement on defense is almost as jaw-dropping as winning 10 more games. 

 

One guy to keep an eye on is tailback Lex Hilliard, a 2008 practice-squader from Montana.  He’s run very well in the preseason, and is bigger than both Williams and Brown at 5-11, 240.  Starting FB Lousaka Polite only has 5 pounds on him, so look for some solid production out of the kid from Kalispell if anyone gets hurt or visits Jamaica during the Bye week. 

 

 Ricky Williams. online photo, no source available

 

THE NEW YORK JETS

It’s reasonable for one to expect a bigger hangover from the Brett Favre experiment, and perhaps I’m giving new coach Rex Ryan and his big-name rookies too much credit.  I’ve got them winning tough-ish road games in Houston and Tampa, which could be a stretch for Mark Sanchez. 

 

With Laveranues Coles leaving for Cincinnati, New York is thin at receiver.  Hence their flirtation with trading for headcase Brandon Marshall – Jerricho Cotchery is reliable, but Sanchez could use a bigger target.  Either way, he’ll lean on runners Thomas Jones and Leon Washington, with rookie Shonn Greene providing injury insurance.  But Sanchez strikes most observers as competent, and I think 7-9 is possible even for a team performing a major overhaul.

 

Mark Sanchez. online photo, no source available.  

Vincent Chase Mark Sanchez, USC.


Rex Ryan wisely brought LB Bart Scott along from Baltimore to help on defense, and if I may get scientific for a moment, Ryan also brings impressive genetics.  He and his father Buddy Ryan have overseen some of the best defenses on record:  Buddy with the late-70’s Vikings and 1985 Bears, and Rex with the Ravens of late.  Rex’s little brother Rob also won a couple rings coaching the linebackers in New England from 2000-2003.  That’s a total of 4 NFL Championships, making the Ryan clan more prolific than the reigning NFL royalty, the Manning family.  Although I think Archie, Peyton and Eli have typically played much better with other kids than Rex and Rob’s old man ever did.

 

 

THE BUFFALO BILLS

The tougher schedule will treat no team worse than Buffalo, and it’s only a matter of time before Terrell Owens comes unglued.  Coach Dick Jauron isn’t off to a great start either, apparently deeming it wise to pink-slip offensive coordinator Turk Schonert about 10 days before the opener.  On defense, the Bills ranked 21st in 2008, and have done virtually nothing to fix it except draft DE Aaron Maybin, who held out through all of training camp and is currently listed 3rd on the depth chart.


Trent Edwards. online photo, no source available

 

Ultimately, yawn-inducing QB Trent Edwards won’t be able to pacify both T.O and 2nd-fiddle (but probably better) WR Lee Evans, which will lead to the clichéd turmoil that has followed Owens everywhere he’s played.  The nation’s collective eyes will roll when the media tries to get us all to gasp at T.O.’s predictable cry-babying, so maybe we should find some other divisive butthole to demonize in 2009.  

 

Jay Cutler, your table is ready.

 

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