The NFL announced today that The Who would be performing at halftime of this year’s Super Bowl in Miami. The Who follows in a line of mostly washed-up classic rock acts that ensures no controversy could possibly occur outside of a broken hip or denture malfunction. The NFL seems to have learned it’s lesson after 2003’s Janet Jackson incident. Perhaps next season Journey can take the gig, with that karaoke singer they found in Schenectady to take Steve Perry’s place.
If you’re in a bar at 1:45 a.m. and ‘Don’t Stop Believin’ comes on, you can’t tell me that it isn’t magic.
Not that I really care, because the last Super Bowl halftime special that I watched with any kind of rapt engagement was in 1992, when the Wayans brothers’ In Living Color broadcast an alternative halftime show. It featured a brilliant and timeless performance of ‘Men on Football‘.
MARQUEE
NEW ENGLAND at NEW ORLEANS: This game is the saving grace of Week 12, by far. Thanksgiving weekend would be looking pretty bleak for football fans without it. This Monday night will be a scorcher, and I have no clue what will happen. I don’t usually talk lines, but New Orleans is favored by three, and honestly I’m surprised either team got that. I would have guessed this was a push for sure. This will be a test of brainpower for anyone trying to predict the outcome. Sh*t, that includes me.
Neither of these teams is a fluke by any means. Both are offensively ruthless, willing and able to score at almost any time against any opponent. Both head coaches are cerebral-types who don’t get caught up in machismo or NFL tradition. Yeah, Belichick is a classless, arrogant, and despicable evil genius, but he isn’t into the macho bit like many lesser coaches. If there is one consistent weakness in either of these teams, it is the Saints’ overall defense. Normally it doesn’t matter because QB Drew Brees & Co. are capable of out-shooting anyone, but the obstacle may be too much for them this week. I’m going with New England, and it isn’t a confident pick. The Patriots couldn’t handle Peyton Manning’s big guns, but the Saints have given up a lot of points this year to a lot weaker teams than New England. Patriots 37, Saints 32.
PITTSBURGH at BALTIMORE: Both these teams will sheepishly take the field on Sunday, having both lost games that they should have won last week. Baltimore at least had the chance to outplay a better team, and just couldn’t make it happen. Pittsburgh, meanwhile, lost to Kansas City, and that is unforgivable. With this game being held in Baltimore, I’m taking the Ravens, and if Big Ben can’t go for Pittsburgh it won’t be close, even though Charlie Batch is a capable backup against almost all other NFL teams (scratch that, he’s hurt too). Ravens 25, Steelers 19.
UPDATE: Big Ben and Batch are both out, leaving Dennis Dixon starting at QB for Pittsburgh. Dixon could very well be a decent player at some point, and may do some things well come Sunday. He may crash and burn too, especially against this Ravens team. I’ll stick with my original prediction, but Dixon intrigues me somewhat…
MARQUEE-ISH
INDY at HOUSTON: If Indy has been able to fend off New England and Baltimore in the past two weeks, they’ll take care of Houston. This looks to be a solid divisional matchup for the next few seasons though, and should be viewed with interest by those who appreciate elite passing games. Colts 32, Texans 23.
ARIZONA at TENNESSEE: Look who has suddenly burst on to the NFL’s scene with four straight victories? It’s Vince Young, long left for dead by most observers as a malcontent headcase. He was immature. He was crazy. He was nothing more than a one-dimensional “running QB” who could be figured out by an average defense. Well, Tennessee’s rushing attack has turned out to be a bit problematic for d-coordinators since Young was re-inserted into the lineup. What Tennessee head cheese Jeff Fisher should have figured out weeks before is that there is little difference between Kerry Collins and Vince Young in terms of passing effectiveness, and Vince Young is far more dynamic of a football player than the nursing-home-ready Collins. Vince Young may pick up more first downs improvising with his feet than in designed passes with his arm, but at least he’s picking them up. Throw in phenom RB Chris Johnson and you’ve got problems.
Arizona’s 7th-ranked run defense will be tested this week, and we should know by the end of the game if it’s for real. I will argue that the high ranking is a result of poor pass defense and a schedule of elite passing opponents. Arizona has won 6 of their last 7 games, but the loss during that stretch came against the only run-oriented offense they’ve faced, the Carolina Panthers, who racked up 270 yards on the ground. I’m taking Tennessee to stay hot and bully the Cardinals’ defense: Titans 29, Cardinals 24.
COULD BE INTERESTING, BUT PROBABLY NOT
TAMPA BAY at ATLANTA: I really want to pick the Bucs to win this one, but there is no way that I can with their 31st ranked defense. But perhaps rookie QB Josh Freeman, who has slipped since his initial performance in the Bucs’ lone victory over Green Bay three weeks ago, can rebound against Atlanta’s below-average D. I’ll still take Atlanta because they really need the win to stay in the Wildcard hunt. They’ve lost 4 of 5, and should be considered cooked if they lose this one. Falcons 26, Bucs 18.
MIAMI at BUFFALO: Ricky Williams seems determined to prove Mike Ditka right, and he’s not doing too bad of a job. A decade after Ditka traded away essentially a whole draft to take the enigmatic RB from Texas, he’s enjoying a bit of a renaissance – he’s averaging 5.3 yards a carry and is tied for 4th in the league with 8 TD’s. Not bad for a 32 year-old reefer addict who’s given up and been given up on more times than he is able to remember at this point of his life. He should fare well against Buffalo’s terrible run defense, currently ranked 30th and giving up 166 yards a game. ‘Fins 28, Bills 17.
CAROLINA at NY JETS: Speaking of enigmatic, how the hell do I pick this game? The Jets are still stout on defense, but the Panthers have been able to run on just about everyone. Carolina has averaged over 200 yards rushing over their last 4 games. This one is a toss-up, but I’ll go with the Jets because I still like them. NYJ 22, NCP 17.
WASHINGTON at PHILLY: In a normal universe this would be a mismatch this season, but this is the 2009 NFL universe, and the Eagles are as hot and cold as…something that is both really hot and really cold. I am unable to conjure up an apt analogy for the streakiness of this Philly squad. They looked fairly average against my sh*tty Bears squad last week, but average is likely enough to best this Sk*ns team. Eagles 25, D.C. Football Franchise 12.
JACKSONVILLE at SAN FRANSISCO: The Jaguars are 6-4, and have won 4 of their last 5 games. The 49ers are 4-6 and have lost 5 games since mid-October. Those losses have come against some pretty decent teams, and Jacksonville is probably still average enough to be beaten. This could be a very interesting game, but there just isn’t enough star power here to draw much attention. San Fran ranks slightly ahead of the Jags in both offense and defense, and it’s a long trip from Florida to the Bay. If the Niners can win this one they can stay sorta alive in the Wildcard, and if they lose they’re pretty much done. If only they had a real QB. I’ll say that Samurai Mike gets his team up for this one, and the Niners win at home, 24-17.
MISMATCHES
I honestly believe that there is virtually no chance, barring freak injuries or shocking letdowns, that any of the following favorites lose these games. Especially Minnesota, who quite possibly matches up as well as one could imagine against this pathetic Bears team. If I may, allow me a moment of negative homerism regarding Chicago:
Brett Favre, Percy Harvin, Sydney Rice, and Adrian Peterson all pose big problems for the Bears, so expect Chicago to try to pick its poison. The Bears will attempt to stop one of these players, and even if they do so successfully, the others will dominate them like a San Quentin cellmate. Adrian Peterson’s career numbers against Chicago are too ridiculous to even look up, and Percy Harvin seems like exactly the type of player who is capable of shredding this defensive secondary. Jay Cutler will face heavy pressure all game, and that’s one element I personally can’t wait to see. How many picks will he throw? How many times will we see him jawing with his own receivers, or a referee, because they didn’t do what the never-wrong Cutler expected them to? How much slack does this f*ck expect to be cut this year? Is it obvious enough yet that Cutler’s success in Denver was largely because if the freakish WR Brandon Marshall? How many more digs at the Bears can I pose in the form of a question?
F*ck you, Jay Cutler. No, seriously. F*ck you.
The answer to that last one is: many. I could write a novel on how lousy the Bears are, and what steps were taken to lead up to this debacle of a season. But that will come later. For now, I can take solace in the fact that for the first time since I moved to Minnesota, I won’t be subject to the vile, obnoxious Vikings fans that fill the Worst Stadium in the NFL for this game, as no fair-weather Purple fan has tried to pawn off their Bears-Vikes tickets on me. The Bears are going to get destroyed, hammered, annihilated, vaporized and disintegrated by the Minnesota Vikings. My only hope is that Cutler plays badly enough to get benched. Please, Lord – if you are either a wrathful and vengeful God, or a compassionate and loving God, please let Jay Cutler meltdown beyond even my own vivid imagination. It will be the only thing worth watching come Sunday afternoon.
Whew. I think I’ve fully exorcised those Sh*tty Bears Demons, at least for this week. I’ll take the home teams to win by the margin of 34-7:
CHICAGO at MINNESOTA
CLEVELAND AT CINCINNATI
K.C. at SAN DIEGO
TOILET BOWL WEEK 12
SEATTLE at ST. LOUIS: Umm…St Louis in the upset, for the hell of it. Rams 19, Seahawks 17.
Email: nick.thomas@flyingpigskin.com
